


The Inner Lunatic

by someblokecalledrichbrook



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Gen, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-18
Updated: 2014-02-16
Packaged: 2017-12-15 09:36:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/848014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someblokecalledrichbrook/pseuds/someblokecalledrichbrook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Valkyrie Cain's life is, to say the least, rather interesting. Between an irritating teleporter, a sword-wielding blonde and an equivocal librarian, there's never a dull day. But in Valkyrie's erratic world of chaos and magic, she'll always have her arrogant, skeletal best friend to keep her grounded. Marginally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Toothpaste Kisses- The Maccabees

"I'm dying."

"No you're not."

"I am. I'm dying. I'll be dead by morning. Feel my forehead."

If Skulduggery had eyes, he would've rolled them. With slightly more force than was necessary, he clapped a hand to Valkyrie's forehead.

"Oh," Skulduggery mused, ignoring Valkyrie's hiss of indignation at the slap to the forehead, "You  _are_ rather hot..."

"I know, and I've got a really high temperature, too."

Skulduggery sighed wearily. "You will be the death of me."

"I think someone beat me to it." Valkyrie drawled, and then abruptly sneezed.

"You know, for someone sick, you're awfully cheeky."

"You know, for someone dead, you're awfully unsympathetic to someone on death's door." Valkyrie retorted.

"When on death's door, Valkyrie, it's advised that you just ring the doorbell and run."

Valkyrie frowned. "If that's a cryptic way," –sneeze-, "of telling me to man up, it's not working."

"Cryptic messages not your thing? Very well: Valkyrie- man up."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, and then groaned and rolled over in her seat to press her forehead against the cold glass of the window. Behind her, Skulduggery tilted his head speculatively, and then said in a softer tone, "Are you alright?"

"No I'm bloody not," Valkyrie mumbled, shutting her eyes against the morning light that was becoming increasingly unbearable, despite it being reasonably overcast.

"Home, then."

"Really?"

"Yep. You're no use to me if all you're going to do is sneeze over suspects."

Valkyrie scowled. "Gosh, thanks for your sympathy."

Skulduggery patted Valkyrie's back cheerfully. "No problem, dear."

* * *

They parked at the pier and Skulduggery put his arm around Valkyrie's waist and helped her to her house, keeping to the shadows. Seeing as Valkyrie's father was at an architectural conference for the weekend, and her mother was visiting a friend with Alice and wouldn't be home until late, they went into the house through the front door, in spite of Skulduggery's grumbles, and he helped Valkyrie to her room, where she immediately flopped onto the bed with a groan that was only slightly over-dramatized.

"Can you shut the curtains and turn the light off?" Valkyrie slurred, her voice muffled by the pillow her face was at present pressed in to.

"Of course," Skulduggery hummed, moving to the window and drawing the curtains. A moment later the lights were flicked off and he turned the bed-side lamp on so the room was immersed in a soft light. Even in the half-light, Valkyrie looked pale.

"How do you feel?"

Valkyrie turned her head so it was sideways on the pillow and cracked an eye open to look at him. "I ache all over, I'm roasting, my head's killing me and I feel like someone's tap-dancing on my stomach."

"In excellent health, then," Skulduggery nodded cheerfully. "Water?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Right. And where will I find medication?" He asked taking off his jacket, folding it neatly and placing it on the chair at Valkyrie's desk, along with his hat and scarf.

"Kitchen."

"Vague, but I'll work with it. Be right back."

When Skulduggery left, Valkyrie gathered up all the will power she could muster and slowly rolled out of bed. She shuffled to the wardrobe, eager to get out of her stifling work clothes and into pajamas. She kicked off her boots and peeled off her clothes quickly, biting her lip against the overwhelming urge to be sick, and pulled on a pair of cotton pajama shorts and a tank top. She tied her hair up into a bun to keep it off her neck, which was burning, and flopped back into bed.

A few minutes later, Skulduggery returned laden with supplies, which he dumped on her bedside table. He handed her a glass of water which Valkyrie took eagerly, but unfortunately could only take a sip of due to fear of throwing up. After the glass of water came two Beecham's tablets to lower her fever and quell the ache in Valkyrie's head and muscles that was rapidly amplifying, and then Skulduggery pressed a cool face cloth to her forehead.

"Thanks. I haven't been sick in ages," Valkyrie lamented, snuggling down into the pillows. Without opening her eyes, she reached up and tugged on Skulduggery's shirt, by way of getting him to sit down beside her. He lay up beside her in a sitting position with his back against the head board, and flexed his palms so a gust of air swept over Valkyrie in an attempt to lower her fever.

"Thanks," she muttered. She manoeuvred a pillow so it was propped against Skulduggery's chest, and leant up against him. Skulduggery moved a hand to rest on her forehead. It was mercifully cool against her head.

"Your temperature's still not great," he muttered.

"Ah, the burdens of being really hot- and having a high temperature."

"Well at least you haven't lost your humility."

"Naturally," Valkyrie murmured, shutting her eyes again and shifting to try and get comfy.

"Get some rest. I can't have my partner out of action for too long, you know."

"I know, who else is going to keep you right and tell you you're not funny?"

"Oh, no, I don't need you for  _that_ , I just need someone to tell me how wonderful I am."

"I'm not sure I'm the right person to do that."

"No," Skulduggery said doubtfully, "I don't think so either."

"You're mildly entertaining, will that do?"

Skulduggery shrugged, and started rubbing Valkyrie's back soothingly. "Close enough."

* * *

A few hours later, and Valkyrie was awake for the fourth time, now covered in a cold sweat and shivering. Skulduggery pulled the covers up around her and handed her a glass of water.

"Drink," he ordered. "You're dehydrated."

Valkyrie sighed and took a tentative sip of the water. Her stomach squirmed in protest.

"Never, ever let me get sick again," she growled, handing the glass of water back to Skulduggery and huddling back down into the covers, half lying on Skulduggery's rib cage.

"Apologies. I should have been more vigilant for germs," Skulduggery drawled sardonically.

"Damn right," Valkyrie said, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She shivered again.

"I'm freezing," she moaned.

Skulduggery clicked his fingers and summoned a flame, which he fed magic into until it was a glowing fireball in his palm. He flexed his fingers until the heat had intensified suitably, and held it near Valkyrie until she felt toasty warm. She hummed appreciatively.

"You're handy to have around. Like my own personal temperature controller."

"So glad to know you value our friendship so highly."

Valkyrie opened one eye and looked up at Skulduggery, a soft smile on her lips.

"You know you're my best friend."

"Of course I am. I'm the best at everything, you see."

"Agreed. You're the best moron I know."

Skulduggery fanned himself with his hand mockingly, acting flustered.

"Oh, Valkyrie, stop, you're too kind!"

"I know, I know, sometimes I feel I lavish compliments on you too much," Valkyrie sighed, sounding torn.

"Don't worry, I don't think there's any risk of that," Skulduggery assured her.

"Good," Valkyrie smiled. She rolled onto her belly so she was face-planting Skulduggery's chest and gave a long-suffering sigh. "My bloody stomach really hurts." She huffed.

"It gets worse before it gets better," Skulduggery sighed, rubbing her back in soothing circles. He hesitated. "Well...I can't really judge, I haven't, you know, had a stomach in...In a few hundred years."

"Good to know, Doctor Pleasant," Valkyrie quipped.

"As sarcastic as ever, I see. I know what you need: peppermint tea-"

"That rhymed."

"I'm sorry?"

"'I see'. 'Need.' 'Peppermint tea'. It rhymed."

Skulduggery tilted his head dubiously. "Are you sure you haven't had one too many Paracetamol?"

"Shut up. Peppermint tea would be great. I'm pretty sure we've got some."

"Excellent. What time did you say your mum would be here at, by the way?"

Valkyrie waved a hand dismissively. "Not until about 9:30 at the earliest. She's down in Monkstown."

"Good. I'll get you your tea, then."

"I'll keep your space warm."

"That's my girl. Stay here, now." Skulduggery said, getting up off the bed and strolling out the door.

"It's not like I'm going anywhere," Valkyrie muttered, and pulled the covers up to her chin.

* * *

Downstairs, Skulduggery puttered about the kitchen, flicking on the kettle and putting a teabag in a cup, whistling The Girl From Impanema all the while. He leaned against the counter whilst the kettle boiled, flicking through texts on his phone, when-

"Hello? Steph, love? Where are you?"

Oh good God.

Skulduggery froze, completely lost for what to do. He looked around the kitchen wildly in vain for a hiding place or a quick exit. Nothing. He'd fought Faceless Ones, criminals of all sorts, vampires...He'd fought, well, nearly everything really, but Valkyrie Cain's mother?

He braced himself for his inevitable second death.

"Steph?" Melissa Edgely called, the sound of her voice becoming louder. This was bad. This was very, very,  _very bad_...

"Mum!"

In that moment, Skulduggery had never been more thankful for Valkyrie Cain and her ability to get there in the nick of time.

"There you are, Steph!" Her mother smiled, bypassing the kitchen completely much to Skulduggery's relief. "I was calling and calling you!"

"Sorry, I was upstairs. I've been in bed all day."

"Oh, love. You really don't look well."

"I don't feel too great, either."

"You should go back up to bed, I'll go make you some tea-"

"No! No!" Valkyrie stammered hurriedly, "No, it's fine! Don't go into the kitchen!"

Please, Skulduggery prayed, definitely  _do not come into the kitchen_.

"Why not?" Melissa asked, sounding rightfully suspicious.

"Because...Uh...Because I need you to go get me some ice-cream! Mum, I'm absolutely roasted."

"Oh, Steph, I wish you'd called me to get it when I was out..."

"I know, mum, I'm sorry, I didn't think. But I really, really could do with some ice cream. Please?"

Her mother sighed. "Fine," she said, a smile in her voice, "Fine! Mint choc chip?"

"You bet. Thanks, mum."

"No problem, love."

"Right, off you go, then!" Valkyrie proclaimed, overly-cheerful, and Skulduggery flattened himself against the wall as he watched Valkyrie frog-march her mother hastily passed the kitchen.

When he heard the door shut, he emerged cautiously, only to be greeted in the hall by a very stern and overheated looking Valkyrie Cain.

"You. Are. A. Moron." She glowered, each word punctuated with a sharp poke to his rib-cage.

Skulduggery's skeleton grin practically widened. "That-" He said, "Was close."

Valkyrie laughed manically. " _Close_? You were 30 seconds away from getting discovered, Skulduggery! I'm supposed to be resting, not having a heart-attack!"

"Sorry, dear," Skulduggery said gently, valiantly restraining the laugh he knew would inevitably lead to his second death.

Valkyrie huffed hotly, brushing a strand of hair off her forehead. "You will be," she warned, and Skulduggery didn't doubt for a second she meant it.

"...Just as soon as I'm feeling better," she amended.

"I'm scared already..."

"Good." Valkyrie swayed on her feet slightly and the whole world spun. Skulduggery placed a hand on the small of her back to steady her.

"Well, I'm not getting up these stairs alone," she sighed.

"No, you're not."

"Piggy back?"

"Naturally."

Skulduggery crouched and Valkyrie hopped onto his back with about as much vigor as she could manage (which wasn't much, considering her current state), and rested her forehead against the cool bone of Skulduggery's neck as the pair traipsed up the stairs.

"You know," Valkyrie mused as Skulduggery walked with her to her room, "I could get used to being sick if I had a servant around to do everything for me..."

"What did your last slave die of?"

"Not doing what they were told."

"You're a violent girl, Miss Cain."

"And that is why we're best friends, Mr Pleasant," Valkyrie chided, placing her head on Skulduggery's shoulder.

Skulduggery considered this for a moment.

"...Agreed."


	2. I Miss You- Blink 182

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ghastly receives a visit from the girl of his dreams.

Ghastly is in bed when she comes. He's lying tangled in the sheets, in the midst of a fitful sleep when the snapping of the latch of his window brings him sharply to attention. He sits up abruptly and can only stare as Tanith Low climbs through his bedroom window, as graceful and as beautiful as ever. She is clad in her trademark, skin-tight leather, and she is radiant.

She walks slowly over to Ghastly, a small, sad smile on her face. Her eyes are anxious and they glimmer with- tears? Ghastly has never seen Tanith Low cry, but now, as she sits on the edge of his bed until her face is inches from his own, he can see the tears in her eyes.

"Tanith," Ghastly breaths out, and it is as if all the tension he's had inside him for the past three years, all the anger, all the sorrow, is released in that breath. In that breath used to speak her name. _Tanith. Tanith, Tanith, Tanith._

"Hi," Tanith says quietly, smiling. Although she's so close, Ghastly can't feel her breathe tingling his cheek. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you," Ghastly echoes, shutting his eyes against the wave of emotion that threatens to drown him.

Tanith cups his scarred face in her hand, calloused from the years of wielding her sword. Ghastly leans into the touch.

"The remnant is gone," Tanith says quietly, leaning in so her forehead touches his.

"Good," Ghastly murmurs, relishing in the touch. Tanith. Finally here. Her soul hers and hers alone. He doesn't care how the remnant is out. She's here. "Does that mean I can cook you dinner, now?" He adds, quirking an eye open to watch the way Tanith's eyes crinkle at the corners slightly when she laughs.

"Yes, it does. Steak, wasn't it?"

"It was, yes."

"I like steak."

"I know," Ghastly sighs, wrapping an arm around her.

"First, of course, there's something I've been meaning to do for a while, now," Tanith says matter-of-factly, and then presses her lips firmly to Ghastly's, bringing both hands up to cup his face. Ghastly reciprocates enthusiastically, one hand in her hair (blonde, tousled, just as he remembers it. Gorgeous.) and one around her waist. Tanith nudges him back, until he's lying looking up at the white ceiling of his bedroom, and then Tanith looms over him, her blonde hair like a halo, her easy smile playful. An angel in leather, that Tanith Low.

She leans down to kiss him and Ghastly grins against her lips. They remain in that state for several minutes, and when she pulls away to look at him, Ghastly's heart stops.

" _No_ ," he chokes.

Thick, black veins crawl up that pretty face, and black bleeds into her lips, filling that easy smile with malice.

" _Tanith, please,_ " Ghastly pleads. " _Don't_."

Tanith Low laughs manically as out of nowhere she produces her sword, glinting threateningly as it is in the reflection of the streetlights, and raises it high above her head to-

Ghastly wakes suddenly, jolting upright. He is covered in a cold sweat, his eyes bulging.

Valkyrie looks over at him inquisitively, from where she is curled up on the other sofa, leafing through one of Skulduggery's many books.

"Ghastly? You okay?" She asks, concern tingeing her voice.

Ghastly looks at her and pulls a casual smile from somewhere, plasters it on his face to mask the fear.

"I'm grand. Bad dream. Dreamed that Skulduggery became Grand Mage- it was horrific."

"I heard that," Skulduggery muttered, not looking up from his phone.

Valkyrie smiled halfheartedly and Ghastly knew that she didn't buy it for a second, but nevertheless she turned back to her book. She knew when to leave him be. Ghastly lay back down, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling, and tried not to think of Tanith looming over him, the darkness seeping into her skin and her sword raised high above her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> INTENSE GHASTLY FEELS.


	3. All The Young Dudes (That Skulduggery Consistently Scares Away)- David Bowie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valkyrie is eager to date. Skulduggery is eager to be protective and embarrassing in equal measures.

Valkyrie tries to date.

My God, she tries.

It's not like she chases every man she meets, by any means. No, she would sometimes meet a guy, maybe on the job, maybe in the sanctuary, or even a few mortals. They talk. They laugh. They flirt. Drinks are suggested by one and the offer is happily accepted by the other and Valkyrie thinks "maybe this will actually work out."

Of course, then there's the slight problem of the skeleton.

Skulduggery Pleasant. Valkyrie's best friend and partner in crime and the preventing of crime in equal parts. Her mentor, idol and protector since she was twelve; her soul mate. Until the end, those two.

Of course, never once in their vowed "until the end"s had it ever been even implied that this meant Valkyrie could never have another man in her life ever again. But that was how Skulduggery was taking it, as of late.

He wasn't being a control freak. He wasn't being horrible and shooting any man in the face that came within four meters of his Valkyrie. No, that wasn't him (sort of). He was just scaring them away and cackling about it later. Valkyrie knew, deep down (very, very deep down), that he was just trying to protect her, make sure she'd found the right man, but my god did the constant irritating (albeit hilarious for onlookers) putting-off make her wish Skulduggery had skin just so she could stab him.

The first time wasn't too bad. She was flirting with a young sanctuary medic at a crime scene, Christopher Strange, his name was. They were on the cusp of exchanging phone numbers, when Valkyrie's phone rang. She smiled apologetically at the young lad and answered the phone.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery whispered down the phone, sounding panicked. Valkyrie's heartbeat instantly quickened.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Come quickly."

"Oh god, are you okay?"

"I don't know, just hurry. I'm in the Bentley."

Valkyrie hung up and turned and ran to the car, throwing a quick "Sorry, see you later!" across her shoulder. She didn't hear the reply.

Valkyrie wrenched the Bentley door open and jumped in, turning to Skulduggery who looked quite at ease.

"What's wrong? Are you alright?"

Skulduggery didn't reply, and instead drove off from the crime scene. They took country roads at a leisurely speed until they reached the outskirts of Dublin, upon which Skulduggery rolled the Bentley to a gentle stop outside a little ice-cream shop.

"Skulduggery?" Valkyrie asked, frowning at Skulduggery who was looking out the windscreen rather calmly. "What the hell's going on?"

Skulduggery turned to look at her.

"Lovely day, isn't it?"

Valkyrie frowned. "What?"

"I said, 'Lovely day, isn't it?'. Nice and sunny. You must be warm."

"Uh..."

"You know what I'm going to do?"

"...What?"

"I'm going to get you an ice-cream."

"What?"

Before Valkyrie could demand further explanation, Skulduggery was out of the car and striding to the ice-cream shop. Valkyrie stared after him, completely baffled. He returned a few minutes later, hopping into the car and handing her a rather large strawberry ice-cream, complete with a rabbit face constructed from two chocolate Flakes and some chocolate buttons.

"It's a rabbit," Skulduggery pointed out, nodding proudly.

Valkyrie held the ice-cream, staring at Skulduggery.

"What?" Skulduggery asked, sounding confused.

"What do you mean 'What?'?" Valkyrie demanded. "You rang me, sounding completely freaked out, and when I left a really cute guy standing there so I could go and see if you were okay, you drove off and bought me an ice-cream."

Skulduggery paused, and then turned to face forward, starting the Bentley and pulling away from the curb.

"I didn't like him," he said simply as they cruised down the street.

Valkyrie blinked. "What?"

"That boy. You were talking to. I didn't like the look of him."

"Are you seri-"

"His ears, Valkyrie. They didn't look like the kind of ears a man could trust. I didn't trust those ears."

Valkyrie stared some more, processing this information, and then a slow, disbelieving smile spread across her face.

"Did you just pull me away from a crime-scene in the most ridiculous way possible to get me away from a boy?"

"I will gladly save you from the machinations of any boy who has untrustworthy ears."

"Oh my god, you actually rushed me from a crime scene to keep me away from a boy."

"...Eat your ice-cream."

"You're unbelievable," Valkyrie said, dumbfounded. She bit the top off one of the make-shift rabbit ears.

Skulduggery turned to look at her, and spoke after a few moments. "You're too young for boys."

"Skulduggery, I'm eighte-"

"Wait until you're at least one hundred and twenty, then we'll see."

"I hate you."

"But I bought you ice-cream."

Valkyrie considered this, licking the ice-cream to see whether it was worthy or not of her forgiving Skulduggery. She decided it was.

"It was very sweet."

"What, the ice-cream?"

"No, you moron. You. Saving my poor innocent self from some evil boy."

Skulduggery nodded, patting Valkyrie's leg consolingly. "All boys are evil, Valkyrie. Never forget that."

Valkyrie smiled as she took a bite from the other flake.

"Where would I be without you?"

"With some maleficent boy, no doubt."

"Oh, heaven forbid."

"Agreed, my dear Valkyrie. Agreed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ice cream is better than boys, anyway.


	4. Youth- Daughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our detective duo discuss college, and then promptly move on to bears and pillowcases.

 “My dad says I’ll have plenty of time for boys after I go to college and become a nun.”

“And on that, I agree wholeheartedly. Except the nun part. You wouldn’t be nearly as helpful if you were a nun. Nuns usually have grievances about hitting people in the face.

“Whereas I quite happily punch people in the face,” Valkyrie nodded thoughtfully.

“Exactly.”

Valkyrie went back to staring out the passenger seat window, and then turned back to Skulduggery a few moments later.

“Do you think I should go to college?” She asked.

Skulduggery stared out the windscreen thoughtfully, and then turned to her.

“Would I _mind_ if you went to college? No. You haven’t exactly been to school in a while, and college would be a horrifically normal thing for you to go to. Do I _think_ you should go to college? Again, no. But I suppose, if you ever want to, you know...leave magic behind, then-“

“I won’t,” Valkyrie cut in.

“Well then, I don’t think you need college. You’ve got a job. A dangerous job, admittedly, but a good job, I think. And a fantastic, highly-intelligent, handsome devil of a partner, too. And of course, Gordon’s inheritance. Would I _miss_ you if you want to college? Very much so. Who’s going to run around after me in a constant state of awe if you go away for a few years?”

Valkyrie had to laugh, despite the insult.

“Although,” Skulduggery continued, “I think you should see the world. There’s more to life than Ireland, Valkyrie.”

“I know.”

“I know you know. You haven’t spent all these years with me just to become a narrow-minded individual. But you need to travel- go and see America, India, Africa...Magic is amazing, but the world more so.”

Valkyrie smiled. “I will. I’ll go travel. _We’ll_ go travel. We’ll go and take down some magical criminals across the world.”

“Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain; international detective duo.”

“Yep. That’s us.”

“It _does_ have a ring to it.”

“We’ll get matching t-shirts.”

“Dear God,” Skulduggery murmured.

 “I want to go to Thailand,” Valkyrie announced, nodding decisively.

“Thailand’s nice. Very hot. Beautiful, though.”

“Any magical criminals?”

“Many.”

“Well then, we’ll go to Thailand.”

“Alright then. Anywhere else?”

“America. I don’t know where, though.”

“Yosemite.”

“Where, sorry?”

“It’s in California. It’s a national park. Big rivers, beautiful mountains, proper postcard scenery.”

“Many magical criminals?”

“No, not really. Plenty of bears, though.”

“Alright then. We’ll just arrest some bears.”

“Bears are certainly more manageable than what we’ve faced before.”

“Agreed. Have you ever seen a bear?”

“Of course. I’ve fought a bear, you know.”

Valkyrie stared.

“ _Really_?”

“Oh, yes. A huge, black, grizzly bear. It was ten foot tall on its hind legs.”

“I can’t tell whether you’re joking or not.”

“I’m not, honestly. I fought it to death.”

“Oh my God.”

“Yep. Armed with nothing but my bare hands and a pillow case.”

Valkyrie paused.

“...Shut up,” she scowled.

“What?”

“You did not take down a bear with your bare hands and a pillow case.”

“I most certainly did. I distracted it, jumped on its back and suffocated it with the pillow case.”

“You’re lying.”

“I am not.”

“Alright, then, supposing this bear _did_ suffer death-by-pillow case. Why?”

Skulduggery looked at her. “It insulted my fashion sense.”

Valkyrie stared, and then her expression of scepticism and slight awe very quickly shifted back into a scowl. She slapped Skulduggery’s arm angrily and turned her back to him.

“You’re completely bloody ridiculous,” she growled, staring out the window with a disgruntled expression.

Skulduggery patted Valkyrie’s arm in agreement.

“I know. A lesser man would’ve just left the bear to its misinformed, uneducated opinions, but not me. I had to defend my impeccable dress sense.”

There was a beat of silence in which Skulduggery’s glee almost became tangible, and then-

“...I couldn’t _bear_ to have my suits insulted.”

“Oh my god, I hate you so much.” Valkyrie breathed.

Skulduggery laughed the whole way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wouldn't put it past Skulduggery to actually have had that bear encounter. 
> 
> Ideas, requests and pairing suggestions are always welcome and very much needed, as is constructive criticism!


	5. I Can't Make You Love Me- Bon Iver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Valkyrie Cain was cold or wet, Skulduggery would be there to wrap his coat around Valkyrie's shoulders and gruffly mutter about how useless she was if she caught a cold. With Valkyrie gone and the Reflection temporarily filling in, Skulduggery isn't quite so keen to do the same for it. And it knows.

“I notice, you know." 

Skulduggery didn’t even tilt his head to her, instead his eyeless gaze remained fixed on the passers-by at the other side of the street as they scurried through the torrential rain. 

“Notice what?” 

Stephanie tried not to sound hurt, as she said “If I was Valkyrie, I’d be wearing your coat right now.” 

This time, Skulduggery’s head quirked towards her a fraction, though he still wasn’t looking at her. 

“Would you?” 

“I would. But you don’t care if I get sick. Or if I’m freezing or soaking.”

Skulduggery didn’t reply. A silent affirmation. 

“You have to accept it, Skulduggery. You have to accept that I’m her.”

“That’s what Darquesse insists, too,” Skulduggery bit back, his voice cutting through Stephanie more harshly than the icy rain or bitter cold ever could.  
Stephanie felt hurt stir deep inside her but she disguised it with anger instead, the hurt lending a sharp edge to her voice as she snapped “You can’t stalk around in denial, Skulduggery, pretending that I’m some feeling-less thing you have to drag about like dead weight until you can get your proper partner back. There’s no difference between Valkyrie and I.”

“Except Valkyrie didn’t murder her own cousin,” Skulduggery replied evenly, but Stephanie heard the low tremor of anger that reverberated through that velvety voice of his. 

She knew better than to snap at him again, but couldn’t help herself from muttering “Valkyrie would have your coat by now, but you won’t think twice about doing the same for me.” 

Skulduggery was silent for a moment, and Stephanie shivered violently as freezing water slipped under her collar and trickled down her spine. Skulduggery ignored her and turned his head to stare into the rain again.

“You’re right,” he said coldly, “I won’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very, very quick fic written for one of my best friends and favourite people, Becky Allaker. Much love to her.


	6. Only Love- Ben Howard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Val gets to tease her best bud, nick his Valentine's Day chocolates and still have him dote on her completely.

It was a beautiful, bright, Friday morning in Haggard. Valkyrie woke early, to see weak rays of sunshine peaking through the gap in her curtains. She could hear her mother singing downstairs, and so she rolled groggily out of bed, and pulled on a t-shirt and shorts before padding downstairs. She found Melissa Edgely dancing round the kitchen to I Will Always Love You, with Alice perched on her hip, giggling happily.

“Hello love,” her mum smiled upon catching sight of Valkyrie. She danced over to her and planted a kiss on her forehead. “Happy Valentine’s day!” “Morning,” Valkyrie smiled broadly, scooping her little sister from her mother’s arms and swinging her onto her shoulders, much to Alice’s delight.

She set about fixing herself a large bowl of cereal, and was just lifting the milk from the fridge when she felt her mother’s eyes on her. She turned, to find her mother leaning against the counter, eyes narrowed as she stared inquisitively as Valkyrie.

“So...have you got any plans for today?” her mother asked, peering at her interrogatively as if her stare alone could extract from Valkyrie every shred of secret boy plans she may have.

Valkyrie laughed. “Nothing in particular. I think I’m going to go to Gordon’s for a few hours,” she shrugged, hoisting Alice off her shoulders and tucking her onto her hip, supporting her with one hand and lifting her bowl of coco-pops with the other.

Her mother took a long, thoughtful sip of coffee. “...Alone?"

Valkyrie set Alice down on the counter top, where she proceeded to lift a piece of toast that had been sitting there forlornly, and munch it happily. Valkyrie set the bowl down and shoveled a large spoonful of cereal into her mouth, as she rolled her eyes.

“Yes, alone,” she managed through her mouthful.

“Whatever you say,” Melissa conceded, putting up her hands defensively, though a coy smile played on her lips. “I don’t believe you for one second, but I’ll leave you to it.”

“I’m glad you trust me so much,” Valkyrie smiled when she’d swallowed her mouthful. Deciding to abandon her cereal, she kissed Alice’s cheek and ruffled her soft hair. “Well, I better go get ready. Things to do. Places to see. All nine of my secret boyfriends to meet up with. The usual,” she shrugged, heading out of the kitchen.

Her mother’s laughter followed her out. “Give them all my love,” she called after Valkyrie, and Valkyrie laughed.

* * *

 

 

Valkyrie waited until her mother poked her head into her room to say goodbye before she left to take Alice to nursery, then she changed quickly into her black clothes and headed for the pier, stopping only to lift a pink, heart-shaped box from her desk.

She strode quickly to the pier and immediately spotted the Bentley, gleaming in the morning sunlight. The thin figure of Skulduggery Pleasant leaned leisurely against the bonnet, looking out at the calm sea, and Valkyrie had to bite her lip hard to keep herself from cracking up then and there.

Oh, god, she was going to love this.

Skulduggery turned his head to Valkyrie as she approached, and Valkyrie schooled her expression into one of cool indifference. She smiled slightly, waving as Skulduggery nodded to her, and perched beside him on the Bentley’s bonnet, looking out at the waves and willing herself not to laugh.

“Beautiful morning, isn’t it?” Skulduggery said brightly.

“It is,” Valkyrie agreed. “It’s also an important day.”

Skulduggery tilted his head towards her. “Is it, now?”

“It is.”

“And why, pray tell, is it an important day?”

Valkyrie grinned, presenting Skulduggery with the heart-shaped box.

“It’s Valentine’s day.”

Skulduggery stared at the box, then at Valkyrie, then back at the box.

“I...see,” he said lamely.

Valkyrie poked him with the box.

“I got you a Valentine’s present,” she prompted.

Skulduggery was silent for a moment.

“...Why?”

“Because you’re my Valentine,” Valkyrie said, her tone implying the _“duh”_ she didn’t actually say. She reached up and kissed his bony cheek. “Happy Valentine’s day.”

Skulduggery took the box from her slowly.

“I...thank you, Valkyrie. That’s unnervingly sweet of you.”

Valkyrie shrugged, turning to look out at the waves again, beaming widely.

“No problem.”

“I haven’t got you anything.”

“I know. It’s okay, though, you can buy me a Valentine’s pizza tonight.”

"I always buy you pizza.”

“I know, but, like, you can get them to shape it like a heart or something this time.”

“Ingenuous,” Skulduggery nodded, then turned his attention to the box.

“What is this?”

Valkyrie willed herself to remain deadpan. Showtime. She blinked up at him with those big, dark eyes.

“It’s chocolate.”

Skulduggery stared at her for a very long time. It took everything Valkyrie had to keep a straight face.

She frowned, all big eyes and innocence.

“Don’t you like chocolate?”

Skulduggery tilted his head towards her, clearly aware of what was going on, though he said nothing.

Valkyrie kept her confused facade until she deemed that the silence had dragged on long enough, then she blinked and tipped her head back as if god himself had just presented her with the secrets of the universe.

“ _Oh_ ,” she cried dramatically. “ _Chocolate_. You’re a _skeleton_. You can’t _eat_.” She slapped her hand to her forehead for good measure, laughing lightly as if at her own stupidity as she shook her head. “Of _course_! How _silly of me_.”

“You’re impossible,” Skulduggery sighed.

Valkyrie ignored him, laughing lightly again. “Silly me!” she sighed, taking the chocolates from Skulduggery’s hands and practically skipping to the car. “It’s okay, I’ll eat them for you,” she beamed, opening the car door and sliding in.

Skulduggery walked round to the other side and got in.

He looked at her and shook his head as Valkyrie popped a chocolate in her mouth, eyes gleaming with mirth as she smiled around a mouthful of caramel.

“You’re a cruel girl, Valkyrie Cain,” Skulduggery said, pulling away from the curb.

“It was an honest mistake,” Valkyrie insisted, grinning. “How was I meant to know skeletons can’t eat? It’s not like you remind me that you don’t have a stomach, every day. I need little post-its stuck to you, listing the organs you’re missing.”

“You’re impossible,” Skulduggery sighed, shaking his head.

“You’ll still buy me a pizza though, right?”

“Absolutely not.”

Valkyrie pulled her best puppy eyes, pouting slightly for good-measure. “Please?” she asked sweetly.

Skulduggery looked at her in his peripheral vision, caught sight of her expression and sharply turned back to the road again.

“Eat your chocolate,” He grumbled after a moment.

Valkyrie laughed, and began picking through the other chocolates. She hoped there was a coffee truffle. Those were her favourite.

* * *

 

Valkyrie fell asleep curled up on one of Skulduggery’s many sofas immediately after training that night. She woke up close to midnight with her boots off and a blanket draped over her, and a single table table-lamp shrouded the room in a warm glow. Valkyrie yawned and stretched as she sat up, various muscles popping in her back as she went. She could hear Skulduggery pottering about in the next room, the rustle of papers and the low murmur of the radio. It was then Valkyrie noticed a pizza box propped open on the coffee table in front of her, and inside, still hot, was a pepperoni pizza.

Shaped like a heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated Valentine's Day!
> 
> NB: this isn't beta'd, and was written haphazardly at 2am. So...apologies!


End file.
